1. You must be upbeat and cheerful at all times, to combat my semi-constant cranky state of mind.
2. You must follow me everywhere I go, shouting 'Yo, Ivie! You're the best!!!'. If people give us funny looks as they walk past us, simply ignore them.
3. You must have an unusually large assortment of colourful designer tracksuits, just like the real DJ Khaled.
4. You must be able to spin positive bedtime stories for me out of the ridiculousness that is living in Nigeria: a missing President, persistent power failure, power-hungry politicians, sexism, and tribalism. In short, you must be my personal stand-up comedian.
5. You must throw a party for me to celebrate every major and mediocre milestone which I achieve: publishing another book, the ability to draw my eyebrows so that they both match, not having to put on the generator for an entire day.
6. You must be as wealthy as the real DJ Khaled (those parties are not going to pay for themselves).
Interested applicants should send an application by replying this email. Good luck!