February 27, 2015

interesting disclosures 3: A revised office wearable technology policy, from Dave in HR

Attendance is optional unless you choose not to attend.

Hi, everybody.
 
The times, they are a-changin’, and so is our dress code, in particular the rules pertaining to wearable technology. The full policy can always be accessed on our intranet site, but here are the highlights:
 
Bluetooth earpieces are acceptable. Wearers, when on phone calls, must not make direct eye contact with co-workers. It’s confusing. If you find this difficult, please avail yourself of a company-branded sleep mask, which you can find in the vending machines.
 
Fitbit and other exercise-type wristbands may be worn, but please do not ask your co-workers personal questions such as “What is your BMI?” or “How is that your BMI?” Also note that it is now explicitly against company policy to put Fitbits on co-workers without their knowledge and share -- even on a password-protected site -- the number of steps taken before the device is discovered as the basis for a betting pool.
 
Google Glass is permitted during normal working hours, provided the wearer announces his/her presence before entering rooms or rounding corners by loudly, but not too loudly, saying, “Glass!” Employees may, if they choose, respond with, “Glass on.”
 
Google Glass knockoffs look even weirder than Google Glass. Don’t wear them, they make everybody uncomfortable.
 
Oculus Rift virtual-reality systems must be removed during meetings.
 
Smart rings exist. I just learned this. You can get notifications about emails, texts, calendar events and certain types of news events, right on your finger. So for example, if we have an all-hands meeting, you could get a fifteen-minute reminder that vibrates your ring. Plenty of time to stop what you’re doing and come grab a seat up front. Cool beans.
 
Smart watches are not allowed. There’s no point. It’s got a screen and you can have apps. OK, big whoop. You already have a phone, right? And it’s supposed to be more convenient? Yeah, probably not as convenient as a smart ring, which is like a quarter the size.
 
X-ray glasses, if and when they are a real thing, are strictly forbidden. Just being forward-thinking on this one, but we’ve talked about it and think they would be problematic in the workplace, because do they see through clothes, or is it just walls? Even if it’s just walls, though.
 
Thank you for your cooperation. Any questions, please ping my ring.

Dave