January 19, 2017

The Days of No Wine and Roses

It's January. The coldest, most miserable month of the year. Austin is awash in cedar pollen, the sun is behind the clouds, Oprah is on my TV yelling about bread, and Ratings Machine DJT tweeted to the wrong Ivanka and may one day soon tweet to the wrong Korea.

What better time to give up drinking?

Let me clarify that: what better time to give up drinking for the month. I'm not insane. I know those chardonnay farmers in Napa plan their yearly operating budgets around me. But I decided to participate in---Dryuary? Janudry? Sobember?---to give my body a little break from the booze. So far it's been easy. I've only licked maybe two bottles of cough syrup, and that was mostly because I really love the taste of dextromethorphan. (Look for my cookbook "30 Days of Dextromethorphan Insta Pot Dinners" coming soon.) I've also discovered this new thing called "water."

It's a lot different from the water I chugged at the Elk's Club in December.

But in all seriousness, the one thing I've realized via not drinking this month is how many colors there actually are in the world. The world is a kalediescope. Hahahaha. Just kidding. The world is a black pit.

Here are some non-alcoholic enjoyments:

If you've ever wanted to hear alien Conan O'Brien tell another alien to "Eat a d-ck" this hilarious show is for you.

I really liked this novel by one of my writing idols, even though it was a little Woody Allen-ish

I just remembered this piece I wrote for McSweeneys and it's still funny. I think?


How one smart writer brought "Hidden Figures" to life. And go see this movie ASAP.

My talented friend Elizabeth McGuire just launched the Sibling Revelry Project and it's awesome. Follow her on Instagram at @siblingrevelryproject. Here's her picture of my knuckleheads:

Yeah. Teenage boys. Another reason to admire me, suckers.

In closing, January is a long, hard month for many of us. I wish you luck, strength and perserverence. And rest assured that I will be back to my normal drinking ways come February 1st. Which is just 11 days, 12 hours and 45 minutes away from right now. As counted on my trembling white knuckles.